Polygamy, abuse may seem baffling to kids
 
By Brian Bethel
Scripps Howard News Service
Deseret Morning News
 
How should you respond if your children ask questions about the stories coming out of San Angelo, Texas, about abuse, polygamy and marriage of minors?

Sangeeta Singg, a psychology professor at Angelo State University in San Angelo, said some younger children may react with uninterest or confusion. Others, especially teens, may produce tough questions, she said.

In general, experts say that parents should answer only what children actually ask — honestly and with brevity — without delving into extraneous information that might confuse them.

The issues are especially thorny because they move through the realms of faith and belief, said Wilma Heflin, adjunct professor of children's ministry at Hardin-Simmons University in Abilene, Texas.

"Regardless of age, all children are growing and developing physically, intellectually, socially and emotionally," she said. "Sometimes we forget that they are also growing spiritually and that their concept of God is developing."

Events such as those happening in Eldorado may cause children to worry about their own safety and security, Heflin said. But they can also "affect deeply children's concept of God," she said.

"When abuse is connected with God and interpretations of what God expects or requires, children may lose their sense of trust not only in other adults but also in God," she said.

The most important thing for a child of any age is a sense of trust, assurance of unconditional love and a personal sense of security, she said.

So even children who are in safe, normal settings may experience fear and anxiety from news reports about events such as those in Eldorado.

Parents should emphasize that one girl, a 16-year-old sect member, "called and asked for help," and that the police and officials removing the children are "responding to her call and want all the children to be safe," Heflin said.

"People who are caring for the children who were removed are trying to show them what God is really like," she said. "They ... are offering them food, comfort and safety."

Tom Copeland, associate professor of psychology at Hardin-Simmons, said parents should not be dishonest when children ask tough questions.

"That's always a mistake," he said. " ... One of the basic guidelines is that if they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to get a real answer."

Children ask questions because they are curious, because they are scared and because they honestly don't know an answer and "really need to understand it better," he said.

Different children are able to handle varying degrees of information.

"If a 5-year-old asks what sexual abuse is, you don't want to go into much detail about what that might mean," he said.

The same question from a 14-year-old might produce, of necessity, a different, perhaps more detailed answer.

Darrell Jordan, assistant professor of social work at Abilene Christian University, said it's important for parents to emphasize that "no adult or parent has any authority or right to seek a sexual relationship with a child."

"Parents may want to reassure their children that they're not at risk of something of this nature occurring in their own home," he said.

Singg said that when dealing with specific questions of faith, it is fine to fall back on the personal values one wishes to impart and instill.

"You need to make clear to them that the majority of people ... do not believe this to be right," she said.

Copeland said he felt that parents could "absolutely" help their children create the ability to discern things for themselves.

Instead of simply saying something is wrong or that "we don't do that," parents can instead ask their children if they think certain behavior is right or fair.

"That will make them think it through and come up with their own answer," he said. "They'll internalize that. It's sometimes a better approach than you just giving them an answer."

Children must develop and learn to think through such issues for themselves, he said.

"I think it's probably one of your top jobs as a parent," Copeland said.
 
deseretnews.com
Originally published Friday, April 11, 2008
 
Back